Broken Wings- The Year of healing.

Learning to fly with broken wings is hard. And impossible. So in order to fly, you MUST give them time to heal and become whole again. So after many sleepless nights, relentless memories and half written journal/blog entries, I have decided to open my wings to catch flight. Apart of the healing process is to let go of fear and move forward in faith. YES, is wasn’t an easy process- it was hard. YES, it seemed impossible. YES, it was scary. BUT YES, you can do it- it is possible. And YES, the road is rough.

Right now I’ve lost count on the many times I’ve tried but yet I am up again. Trying. Again. I’m battered and bruised and still hurting but I need to get this done. I have been camping out in the same place because I cannot fly to move on and away, so here I am, wallowing in the memories, feeling guilty of my unworthiness, feeling hopeless in this life game. In short, I feel like shit! A huge big pile of shit! As I climb back up the tree to the top, I find every branch is a memory. Painful or happy, it’s a memory. Love, Life, Happiness, Sadness. Most of the memories are of the man I once loved.

“It took a lot of love for me to hate him the way I do”

You see, when I genuinely care for things, it’s in my nature to do whatever I can, whenever I can, to make sure everything for that is right. If it makes them happy, then I’m happy. And part of that means loyalty. Loyalty means so much to me. It’s not only behind the door but more open and free. This year has been an emotional roller coaster of life and its games. But as the end draws nearer there is only 1 thing to do- reflect on the year that was. In my previous post, I wrote about my wedding being called off. Well not long after, that particular relationship followed suite. In all honesty it was hard. Very hard to deal with. But you wouldn’t have known, because for some reason I have mastered the art of compression. Compressing my emotions to hide vulnerability. It was hard to just let go of something I had given my all to. Emotionally and physically. I was so mad at this man for taking the easy way out. He walked away with me still being so deeply in love with him. He took away my options- in which didn’t seem fair to me. So I hated him. I hated him under the circumstances in which he left. I hated him because the many times I could’ve walked away from him, I didn’t. I hated him because when I said I would never give up on him, I didn’t. I hated him because when I said I will stick it out through thick and thin, I did. But everything I would do, he wouldn’t do in return. Yet, he made me feel guilty thinking it was all my fault. So I hated him more. But because I was silly, I hated myself first. I hated myself for being too ambitious for him, I hated myself for thinking about our future, I hated myself for planning ahead, I hated myself for trusting him. I hated myself for everything that went wrong.

But as the healing process starts to flow, I got over that. Days, weeks and months flowed by and I slowly came to a realization that it wasn’t me at all. Yet, it was him. He just wasn’t ready. And as I thought thoroughly I also realized, he was never ready, and that he had completely changed from the person I had once fallen in love with. I was soon starting to acknowledge the fact that we had been drifting apart for a while. All the signs were clear. His social life was more important that his future wife. And it made much more sense when I realized that.

But lingering on to something that has past wasn’t going to do me any good for the future. So there was only 1 thing I could do. Forgive him and forgive myself. And I did exactly that. I had forgiven myself for being too hard on myself. I never should have put myself through all that. I should have never been so hard on myself for things that were beyond my control. And I forgave him. Forgave him for everything, because holding on to anger towards him still meant he was apart of me.

“I forgive you. Not for you, but for me. Because like chains shackling me to the past I will longer pollute my heart with bitterness, fear, distrust or anger. I forgive you because hate is just another way of holding on, and you don’t belong here anymore” – Beau Taplin

So as I begin to open my wings again to take flight, I notice that they are healed and whole again. I take a step off the highest branch with faith, wings stretched out open. I catch flight. I am flying again. And this time I feel different. I feel strong, confident, beautiful, amazing, adventurous, full of life. I am feeling on top of the world and I love it. Now this didn’t come easy, in fact this was hard. Very hard. But becoming stronger means you have to challenge yourself. Although this was a challenge I wasn’t ready for, I dealt with it and endured it anyway. And because of that I am a much better person. I had the right tools to start rebuilding myself. Family and great friends. And that was the strongest foundation I could have ever laid out for myself. As Beau Taplin said- “A skyscraper is only as strong as the steel it is made out of.”

Thoughts, thoughts, thoughts...

Have you ever just felt so open and fresh when you have hit something new? Have you ever felt brand new but not realize it till your in that moment, then realize when you reflect how much you had been suffocating? Have you ever just felt like you need time out, space from everyone, and everything? Have you ever just felt the need to start again?


Well I answered yes to all those questions, and because of that, it had lead me to yet another world adventure where I just needed to rediscover the value of life. I just needed something new, a breath of fresh air that will lead me and settle me into what lies ahead. They say a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step (or somewhat along those line) and this is 1 of many steps I took.

The past year alone was probably 1 of the toughest 1's I've had for a while. So many things ran through my head as I reflected on the year that was, the things that have happened and the circumstances that have lead me to where I am. So pondering upon that, and of course speaking to my parents, it was decided, Take a break Lisa! And that's exactly what I did. I put on my Dora shoes and headed over to the land of the free, home of the brave. (I think that's how the saying goes?! Forgive me if I'm wrong)

So there I was, Although still broken, I took a chance on a break I needed to discover the value of life and love and all things beautiful. I don't know if its just me, but the world is really a beautiful place when your opened to all its glory. On my trip I didn't know what to expect, but I did know 1 thing, I wanted to find joy and the things that made my heart smile. In life we come across many things that make us smile, but it is very rare we find things that make our HEARTS smile. And 1 thing that made my heart smile again, was the love of family.

The amount of love I received from family over there was the foundation that I needed to start rebuilding. It is funny because I was meeting these people for the very first time and yet the love I was feeling was beyond anything that I could have ever imagined. It was in those moments I realized that every bit of sad emotion that we feel..... passes! It reiterates the saying "Nothing lasts forever"  In my last blog I had posted that in order to heal, you need to go through the motion of it and feel it as it comes, because at the end of it all, it will surely pass and when it does, you will be a whole different person. And going away was part of the process that I needed to complete my phase.

It has now been a few months now since my world turned upside down, and now that I'm away from it all, I can now look back and see it for what it was. Toxic. Most times you don't realize how toxic and draining things can be until your away from it, until you step out of the circle and see it from the outside. Although some from the outside were telling me walk away a long time ago, I didn't. And that there was my own fault. And had I had listened to them and my doubts, I wouldn't be in the situation I am in now. I had fell away from myself so bad that trying to get her back would cost me alot... Emotionally. At one point it became crippling, in which it had me drowning myself in a pillow of tears and to this day it still happens (but not as often). Let me tell you this, it is hard trying to recover from anything emotionally crippling...

TO BE CONTINUED...

Another year older, hopefully wiser.

So I'm officially half way to 50 and quarter way to 100. Wow!! So hows that. You only get 1 out of 365/366 days to celebrate your exsistance, so why not make it great. Nothing special for this particular blog just words that have helped me get to where I am now. A lot has happened these past few weeks that really had me down but; "A flower that blooms from adversity, is the rarest and most beautiful of all" 

Life is quite the puzzle that would never get solved. But apparently that's the beauty of it. You don't know what's gonna come or go, but you have to cop it on the chin and be merry. And such is life.

"Maturity comes with experience, not age" When I talk to people on a serious note I hear "your pretty mature at your age" a lot. And it is because it is exactly that, with experience not age. So at 25 I have been through so much that I hope and pray no one else will have to go through ever. It was a road that shouldn't have been taken, but it was. And yet again, I had to cop it on the chin and be merry. But who is to blame but myself. "More people would learn from their mistakes if they weren't too busy denying them" so many things I thought I was being denied has actually turned into blessings in disguise. I wouldn't be where I am without them, nor would I have the strength that I have now without them.

"Don't skip your healing process, That is where you learn to truly love yourself. So many people are broken but chasing people, places and things assuming it will bless them in their brokenness- it won't. The worst year of your life can transform into the best year of your life. Just surrender to the process, throw every bit of vice away... When you're healed you are able to love with your whole heart. When 2 healed and whole people come together it will blow your mind! There is no other love like when 2 people can be completely open and vulnerable... That will be the best love you ever experienced. You cannot expect a broken person to love you the way you should be. Their heart isn't available. Love doesn't and shouldn't hurt. Broken people who don't have the ability to love do..." This quote cannot only be conveyed as a quote of love, but also life in general. I've had, what seemed to be worst years, turn into greatest years, because I have let myself healed from whatever wound that I suffered. "You cannot control the depth of a wound another soul inflicts upon you"

Out here in this big bad world, we will constantly be tested, physically and emotionally. It is up to us on how we take our tests. Whether we let it weigh us down, or we let it build us. Remember not everything that is bad, is bad, and not everything that is good, is good. Bad can sometimes turn good, and good can sometimes turn bad. It all depends on how you take it. And so I leave you with 1 last quote;

"Being defeated is often a temporary condition, giving up is what makes it permanent"