Broken Wings- The Year of healing.

Learning to fly with broken wings is hard. And impossible. So in order to fly, you MUST give them time to heal and become whole again. So after many sleepless nights, relentless memories and half written journal/blog entries, I have decided to open my wings to catch flight. Apart of the healing process is to let go of fear and move forward in faith. YES, is wasn’t an easy process- it was hard. YES, it seemed impossible. YES, it was scary. BUT YES, you can do it- it is possible. And YES, the road is rough.

Right now I’ve lost count on the many times I’ve tried but yet I am up again. Trying. Again. I’m battered and bruised and still hurting but I need to get this done. I have been camping out in the same place because I cannot fly to move on and away, so here I am, wallowing in the memories, feeling guilty of my unworthiness, feeling hopeless in this life game. In short, I feel like shit! A huge big pile of shit! As I climb back up the tree to the top, I find every branch is a memory. Painful or happy, it’s a memory. Love, Life, Happiness, Sadness. Most of the memories are of the man I once loved.

“It took a lot of love for me to hate him the way I do”

You see, when I genuinely care for things, it’s in my nature to do whatever I can, whenever I can, to make sure everything for that is right. If it makes them happy, then I’m happy. And part of that means loyalty. Loyalty means so much to me. It’s not only behind the door but more open and free. This year has been an emotional roller coaster of life and its games. But as the end draws nearer there is only 1 thing to do- reflect on the year that was. In my previous post, I wrote about my wedding being called off. Well not long after, that particular relationship followed suite. In all honesty it was hard. Very hard to deal with. But you wouldn’t have known, because for some reason I have mastered the art of compression. Compressing my emotions to hide vulnerability. It was hard to just let go of something I had given my all to. Emotionally and physically. I was so mad at this man for taking the easy way out. He walked away with me still being so deeply in love with him. He took away my options- in which didn’t seem fair to me. So I hated him. I hated him under the circumstances in which he left. I hated him because the many times I could’ve walked away from him, I didn’t. I hated him because when I said I would never give up on him, I didn’t. I hated him because when I said I will stick it out through thick and thin, I did. But everything I would do, he wouldn’t do in return. Yet, he made me feel guilty thinking it was all my fault. So I hated him more. But because I was silly, I hated myself first. I hated myself for being too ambitious for him, I hated myself for thinking about our future, I hated myself for planning ahead, I hated myself for trusting him. I hated myself for everything that went wrong.

But as the healing process starts to flow, I got over that. Days, weeks and months flowed by and I slowly came to a realization that it wasn’t me at all. Yet, it was him. He just wasn’t ready. And as I thought thoroughly I also realized, he was never ready, and that he had completely changed from the person I had once fallen in love with. I was soon starting to acknowledge the fact that we had been drifting apart for a while. All the signs were clear. His social life was more important that his future wife. And it made much more sense when I realized that.

But lingering on to something that has past wasn’t going to do me any good for the future. So there was only 1 thing I could do. Forgive him and forgive myself. And I did exactly that. I had forgiven myself for being too hard on myself. I never should have put myself through all that. I should have never been so hard on myself for things that were beyond my control. And I forgave him. Forgave him for everything, because holding on to anger towards him still meant he was apart of me.

“I forgive you. Not for you, but for me. Because like chains shackling me to the past I will longer pollute my heart with bitterness, fear, distrust or anger. I forgive you because hate is just another way of holding on, and you don’t belong here anymore” – Beau Taplin

So as I begin to open my wings again to take flight, I notice that they are healed and whole again. I take a step off the highest branch with faith, wings stretched out open. I catch flight. I am flying again. And this time I feel different. I feel strong, confident, beautiful, amazing, adventurous, full of life. I am feeling on top of the world and I love it. Now this didn’t come easy, in fact this was hard. Very hard. But becoming stronger means you have to challenge yourself. Although this was a challenge I wasn’t ready for, I dealt with it and endured it anyway. And because of that I am a much better person. I had the right tools to start rebuilding myself. Family and great friends. And that was the strongest foundation I could have ever laid out for myself. As Beau Taplin said- “A skyscraper is only as strong as the steel it is made out of.”