Love me past my pain

23rd July 2014,
"Too often we get so caught up on what we want others to see that we almost always forget who we really are. From there, real emotions are suppressed, lies become your 'truth' and the person you have never wanted to become is already staring you in the mirror"

These pass few weeks have been hard. I spiraled out and something in me snap. I just didn't want to talk to anyone. This battle is hard. Its hard because its tiring. Its hard because it isolates you. The dark tunnel a lot of people talk about with no light, well that's how I have been feeling these past 2 weeks. And the worst thing about it is, no one can hear me and no one can help me but me.

Being trapped in your own mind is an indescribable feeling. You just don't know whats happening to you. Everything is all jumbled up, everything is everywhere, everything is a blur and nothing is ever certain. Quality of life minimizes and then blame is thrown around. "Why god? Why me? Are you punishing me?" "I have done my service unto others, I have shown love and compassion, I have honored my parents, gave you what you required of me, so Why me?" I cannot help but be angry that I am like this. Angry that I'm losing those close to me, but most of all angry because I am loosing myself. Before life got the best of me I was in amazement with the wonders and possibilities of life. Now... I'm just over it.

Ever since I have been diagnosed with Depression, I have tried keeping myself at bay, I thought I had my emotions in check. But my mistake was leaving it and putting it in the back of my mind, when instead I should have dealt with it then and there. Because now, its all a big mess in my head and I cannot even begin to comprehend what I am going through. Its like I cannot control myself anymore. 

So please, As I go through what I am going through, please do not condemn my actions, but instead- 

LOVE ME PAST MY PAIN

Robin Williams and Depression, from my perspective; on the inside

Today the world mourns a shock lost of greatly loved entertainer, Robin Williams. Such a sad way to end a miraculous career of joy, laughter and smiles. He indeed brought happiness in many homes around the world with his humorously changing personality.

But as we morn the lost, it is without a doubt that depression is a disease. Like cancer, you have depression that can be cured, or in Robin Williams and so many other cases, depression that cannot be cured. Depression starts off small, and slowly spreads, like cancer. If detected early, it can be cured, if it's too late, you will know.

Every battle with depression is different. I know the battle I have in front of me is different to those battling around me.

Yes! that is correct. I. have. depression. Not something I am proud of, but sharing my side in case someone feels or knows someone the same. I was diagnosed a couple months ago and I have kept it secret til now. If my family reads this, I'm sorry this is how you have found out about me. And to my close friends, I'm also sorry. But I am getting the right treatment needed. I will be OK. soon...

My thoughts on depression from the outside looking in, was 'Suck it up and get over it.' My thoughts now from the inside-out 'HELP!' but very very discretely.

I am of Samoan decent, grew up in the Latter Day Saints church, a member of a well known sporting family. So how? How could it be me?

Having been brought up in the Samoan culture, the way it's been is, look good always because everyone is looking and everyone is going to judge you, Mum and Dad. Being Latter Day Saint, the answer to all questions were, read your scriptures, praying and fast. Please be mindful when you read this, I am not condemning my culture or my religion. But these 2 factors have isolated me for a long time as to getting help. I didn't want anyone to know because I didn't want to look weird, I didn't want people to think I'm crazy, or just seeking attention. And because I'm LDS, I knew that the answer people would give me was, 'Pray about it.' And that's not what you want to hear when your genuinely trying to get help.

Everyday is fake, as much as I would love to hide from the world, I have to face it, because bills need to be paid, food need to be on the table, and facing the world is what draws me into myself more and more. Everyday you would think I'm fine, and you wouldn't believe what I'm going through. But Depression is a mental illness, and its the state of mind. If you have the ability to control your mind, I commend you on conquering that skill. But me, on the other hand, hasn't quite conquered it yet, so smiling is all I can do, until I'm alone... with my thoughts.... and that's when it starts...
My good days are fine, normal, nothing spectacular, just normal.
My bad days hurt. And its the kind of hurt that you can't control. Its like being in a small box, with no light and no air. Screaming for someone to come help you, but no one can hear. Trying to break out and feeling hopeless, then eventually 'those thoughts' come into play. Those thoughts of "Why bother?" "Why am I still even here" "I'm doing everything right, why is this still happening?"

Now I'm not gonna lie and say that I have not thought about suicide, because I have, like every other sufferer. From the outside looking in, you would think its a cowards way to go, the easiest decision to make because its the easy way out. But let me tell you this, from the inside, it is nothing like that. Suicide takes a lot of courage, they are far from cowards. Days and moments leading up to it, you feel hopeless, and your will to fight and survive has deteriorated. All you want to do is lay down and never wake up... EVER! Your tired of trying to prove yourself. Overall, YOUR JUST TIRED!! Physically and emotionally tired. You don't want anything to do with anyone. Its really hard to try and justify what goes on inside the mind at the time, and it is really hard to explain. Its a trap, where you can't do or say anything because you don't want people to know, or you don't want people to think ill of you. You just want to be normal, happy like everyone else.

The reason it took me a while to comprehend that maybe I do is because I didn't want to believe that there was something wrong with me. I didn't want to look like I'm crazy, nor did I want to look weak and vulnerable. I was so stubborn to it that I just wouldn't accept I had a problem. A real problem. So I sort out on the right track of trying to get better and conquer my thoughts.

So to those that are reading this please remember this quote "Be kind to one another, because you don't know what battles people are facing." 
And to my fellow suffers;

  KEEP FIGHTING!!

A Secret Heartache

Ever looked forward to something you had always been dreaming of, or something that you had been longing for, or just simply something you wanted so much that you would do whatever you could to get it, you were changing your life, changing everything around you....

For those who have kept up with my old blog, (as this is my new 1, was having password issues with my last 1) You would've have seen my excitement in my last entry, of being Engaged. Yes! I was Engaged (to be married) October 2015. Well that was 1 heck of a roller coaster ride. Trying to plan a wedding in another country as well as trying to maintain a healthy long distance relationship. For those new to my blog, let me just give you a quick run down.

I moved to Samoa in 2012, later that year I fell, Like every girl, falling was easy. This time I wanted to take it slow, friendship that would eventually ease into a relationship. And it was like that. But like in every relationship, the beginning stages is always the best. And that's what it is exactly. They try so hard to get you, and then once they have you, it has to be a special occasion for something nice to happen, because words become just words, and promises become myths. Anyway got engaged, and I moved back to Australia this year (2014) to save funds for the wedding and also help my parents out financially.

Anyway MAY 2014, I called off the engagement. Days leading up to calling it off, I was talking to close friends about it. I wont go into detail on why, but those close to me know why. Those days leading to calling it off, my intuition told me that it had to be done. Things starting falling into place for it to fall apart. I didnt really take advice from those I discussed it with because it wasn't what I wanted to hear. The day before the 'big call off' I knew deep within myself that it had to be done, it tugged at me that whole day. And it had hit me 'Lisa, you know it has to be done, no more fighting yourself' And from there I had broken. I finished work, picked up my cousin from work, dropped her home, Put on my break up jam, drove out to Simpsons Gap and balled my eyes out for a good hour and a half. I'm the type of person that hides emotions, so crying out by myself was very therapeutic that day. Everything had come out, how much I hated myself, how much I hated the world, how much I hated everything.
I had been planning this for months, from getting quotes from venues, to suffering to save for things, organizing save the dates, invitations, guests, outfits, themes, music. Everything!! I had it all sussed out! If I had the funds I would've been married before the year had ended with all the amount of planning I had done. Every girl always dreams about her wedding, and I was like every other girl. The planning, the stressing, the wedding diet, the wedding budget. I was on top of my game, but weddings are a 2 way street, whilst I was doing all that was required of a bride to be, my groom to be was in a different world as I.
They say when you really want something, you would do whatever needed to make it happen. I was doing this, unfortunately 2nd party wasn't so keen.
The next day I told myself, if he says no and fights for it, then he is more committed that I thought... It wasn't so.

3 months later, the wounds are still fresh, but life goes on. We live and learn.