Robin Williams and Depression, from my perspective; on the inside

Today the world mourns a shock lost of greatly loved entertainer, Robin Williams. Such a sad way to end a miraculous career of joy, laughter and smiles. He indeed brought happiness in many homes around the world with his humorously changing personality.

But as we morn the lost, it is without a doubt that depression is a disease. Like cancer, you have depression that can be cured, or in Robin Williams and so many other cases, depression that cannot be cured. Depression starts off small, and slowly spreads, like cancer. If detected early, it can be cured, if it's too late, you will know.

Every battle with depression is different. I know the battle I have in front of me is different to those battling around me.

Yes! that is correct. I. have. depression. Not something I am proud of, but sharing my side in case someone feels or knows someone the same. I was diagnosed a couple months ago and I have kept it secret til now. If my family reads this, I'm sorry this is how you have found out about me. And to my close friends, I'm also sorry. But I am getting the right treatment needed. I will be OK. soon...

My thoughts on depression from the outside looking in, was 'Suck it up and get over it.' My thoughts now from the inside-out 'HELP!' but very very discretely.

I am of Samoan decent, grew up in the Latter Day Saints church, a member of a well known sporting family. So how? How could it be me?

Having been brought up in the Samoan culture, the way it's been is, look good always because everyone is looking and everyone is going to judge you, Mum and Dad. Being Latter Day Saint, the answer to all questions were, read your scriptures, praying and fast. Please be mindful when you read this, I am not condemning my culture or my religion. But these 2 factors have isolated me for a long time as to getting help. I didn't want anyone to know because I didn't want to look weird, I didn't want people to think I'm crazy, or just seeking attention. And because I'm LDS, I knew that the answer people would give me was, 'Pray about it.' And that's not what you want to hear when your genuinely trying to get help.

Everyday is fake, as much as I would love to hide from the world, I have to face it, because bills need to be paid, food need to be on the table, and facing the world is what draws me into myself more and more. Everyday you would think I'm fine, and you wouldn't believe what I'm going through. But Depression is a mental illness, and its the state of mind. If you have the ability to control your mind, I commend you on conquering that skill. But me, on the other hand, hasn't quite conquered it yet, so smiling is all I can do, until I'm alone... with my thoughts.... and that's when it starts...
My good days are fine, normal, nothing spectacular, just normal.
My bad days hurt. And its the kind of hurt that you can't control. Its like being in a small box, with no light and no air. Screaming for someone to come help you, but no one can hear. Trying to break out and feeling hopeless, then eventually 'those thoughts' come into play. Those thoughts of "Why bother?" "Why am I still even here" "I'm doing everything right, why is this still happening?"

Now I'm not gonna lie and say that I have not thought about suicide, because I have, like every other sufferer. From the outside looking in, you would think its a cowards way to go, the easiest decision to make because its the easy way out. But let me tell you this, from the inside, it is nothing like that. Suicide takes a lot of courage, they are far from cowards. Days and moments leading up to it, you feel hopeless, and your will to fight and survive has deteriorated. All you want to do is lay down and never wake up... EVER! Your tired of trying to prove yourself. Overall, YOUR JUST TIRED!! Physically and emotionally tired. You don't want anything to do with anyone. Its really hard to try and justify what goes on inside the mind at the time, and it is really hard to explain. Its a trap, where you can't do or say anything because you don't want people to know, or you don't want people to think ill of you. You just want to be normal, happy like everyone else.

The reason it took me a while to comprehend that maybe I do is because I didn't want to believe that there was something wrong with me. I didn't want to look like I'm crazy, nor did I want to look weak and vulnerable. I was so stubborn to it that I just wouldn't accept I had a problem. A real problem. So I sort out on the right track of trying to get better and conquer my thoughts.

So to those that are reading this please remember this quote "Be kind to one another, because you don't know what battles people are facing." 
And to my fellow suffers;

  KEEP FIGHTING!!