A Secret Heartache

Ever looked forward to something you had always been dreaming of, or something that you had been longing for, or just simply something you wanted so much that you would do whatever you could to get it, you were changing your life, changing everything around you....

For those who have kept up with my old blog, (as this is my new 1, was having password issues with my last 1) You would've have seen my excitement in my last entry, of being Engaged. Yes! I was Engaged (to be married) October 2015. Well that was 1 heck of a roller coaster ride. Trying to plan a wedding in another country as well as trying to maintain a healthy long distance relationship. For those new to my blog, let me just give you a quick run down.

I moved to Samoa in 2012, later that year I fell, Like every girl, falling was easy. This time I wanted to take it slow, friendship that would eventually ease into a relationship. And it was like that. But like in every relationship, the beginning stages is always the best. And that's what it is exactly. They try so hard to get you, and then once they have you, it has to be a special occasion for something nice to happen, because words become just words, and promises become myths. Anyway got engaged, and I moved back to Australia this year (2014) to save funds for the wedding and also help my parents out financially.

Anyway MAY 2014, I called off the engagement. Days leading up to calling it off, I was talking to close friends about it. I wont go into detail on why, but those close to me know why. Those days leading to calling it off, my intuition told me that it had to be done. Things starting falling into place for it to fall apart. I didnt really take advice from those I discussed it with because it wasn't what I wanted to hear. The day before the 'big call off' I knew deep within myself that it had to be done, it tugged at me that whole day. And it had hit me 'Lisa, you know it has to be done, no more fighting yourself' And from there I had broken. I finished work, picked up my cousin from work, dropped her home, Put on my break up jam, drove out to Simpsons Gap and balled my eyes out for a good hour and a half. I'm the type of person that hides emotions, so crying out by myself was very therapeutic that day. Everything had come out, how much I hated myself, how much I hated the world, how much I hated everything.
I had been planning this for months, from getting quotes from venues, to suffering to save for things, organizing save the dates, invitations, guests, outfits, themes, music. Everything!! I had it all sussed out! If I had the funds I would've been married before the year had ended with all the amount of planning I had done. Every girl always dreams about her wedding, and I was like every other girl. The planning, the stressing, the wedding diet, the wedding budget. I was on top of my game, but weddings are a 2 way street, whilst I was doing all that was required of a bride to be, my groom to be was in a different world as I.
They say when you really want something, you would do whatever needed to make it happen. I was doing this, unfortunately 2nd party wasn't so keen.
The next day I told myself, if he says no and fights for it, then he is more committed that I thought... It wasn't so.

3 months later, the wounds are still fresh, but life goes on. We live and learn.