Broken Wings- The Year of healing.

Learning to fly with broken wings is hard. And impossible. So in order to fly, you MUST give them time to heal and become whole again. So after many sleepless nights, relentless memories and half written journal/blog entries, I have decided to open my wings to catch flight. Apart of the healing process is to let go of fear and move forward in faith. YES, is wasn’t an easy process- it was hard. YES, it seemed impossible. YES, it was scary. BUT YES, you can do it- it is possible. And YES, the road is rough.

Right now I’ve lost count on the many times I’ve tried but yet I am up again. Trying. Again. I’m battered and bruised and still hurting but I need to get this done. I have been camping out in the same place because I cannot fly to move on and away, so here I am, wallowing in the memories, feeling guilty of my unworthiness, feeling hopeless in this life game. In short, I feel like shit! A huge big pile of shit! As I climb back up the tree to the top, I find every branch is a memory. Painful or happy, it’s a memory. Love, Life, Happiness, Sadness. Most of the memories are of the man I once loved.

“It took a lot of love for me to hate him the way I do”

You see, when I genuinely care for things, it’s in my nature to do whatever I can, whenever I can, to make sure everything for that is right. If it makes them happy, then I’m happy. And part of that means loyalty. Loyalty means so much to me. It’s not only behind the door but more open and free. This year has been an emotional roller coaster of life and its games. But as the end draws nearer there is only 1 thing to do- reflect on the year that was. In my previous post, I wrote about my wedding being called off. Well not long after, that particular relationship followed suite. In all honesty it was hard. Very hard to deal with. But you wouldn’t have known, because for some reason I have mastered the art of compression. Compressing my emotions to hide vulnerability. It was hard to just let go of something I had given my all to. Emotionally and physically. I was so mad at this man for taking the easy way out. He walked away with me still being so deeply in love with him. He took away my options- in which didn’t seem fair to me. So I hated him. I hated him under the circumstances in which he left. I hated him because the many times I could’ve walked away from him, I didn’t. I hated him because when I said I would never give up on him, I didn’t. I hated him because when I said I will stick it out through thick and thin, I did. But everything I would do, he wouldn’t do in return. Yet, he made me feel guilty thinking it was all my fault. So I hated him more. But because I was silly, I hated myself first. I hated myself for being too ambitious for him, I hated myself for thinking about our future, I hated myself for planning ahead, I hated myself for trusting him. I hated myself for everything that went wrong.

But as the healing process starts to flow, I got over that. Days, weeks and months flowed by and I slowly came to a realization that it wasn’t me at all. Yet, it was him. He just wasn’t ready. And as I thought thoroughly I also realized, he was never ready, and that he had completely changed from the person I had once fallen in love with. I was soon starting to acknowledge the fact that we had been drifting apart for a while. All the signs were clear. His social life was more important that his future wife. And it made much more sense when I realized that.

But lingering on to something that has past wasn’t going to do me any good for the future. So there was only 1 thing I could do. Forgive him and forgive myself. And I did exactly that. I had forgiven myself for being too hard on myself. I never should have put myself through all that. I should have never been so hard on myself for things that were beyond my control. And I forgave him. Forgave him for everything, because holding on to anger towards him still meant he was apart of me.

“I forgive you. Not for you, but for me. Because like chains shackling me to the past I will longer pollute my heart with bitterness, fear, distrust or anger. I forgive you because hate is just another way of holding on, and you don’t belong here anymore” – Beau Taplin

So as I begin to open my wings again to take flight, I notice that they are healed and whole again. I take a step off the highest branch with faith, wings stretched out open. I catch flight. I am flying again. And this time I feel different. I feel strong, confident, beautiful, amazing, adventurous, full of life. I am feeling on top of the world and I love it. Now this didn’t come easy, in fact this was hard. Very hard. But becoming stronger means you have to challenge yourself. Although this was a challenge I wasn’t ready for, I dealt with it and endured it anyway. And because of that I am a much better person. I had the right tools to start rebuilding myself. Family and great friends. And that was the strongest foundation I could have ever laid out for myself. As Beau Taplin said- “A skyscraper is only as strong as the steel it is made out of.”

Thoughts, thoughts, thoughts...

Have you ever just felt so open and fresh when you have hit something new? Have you ever felt brand new but not realize it till your in that moment, then realize when you reflect how much you had been suffocating? Have you ever just felt like you need time out, space from everyone, and everything? Have you ever just felt the need to start again?


Well I answered yes to all those questions, and because of that, it had lead me to yet another world adventure where I just needed to rediscover the value of life. I just needed something new, a breath of fresh air that will lead me and settle me into what lies ahead. They say a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step (or somewhat along those line) and this is 1 of many steps I took.

The past year alone was probably 1 of the toughest 1's I've had for a while. So many things ran through my head as I reflected on the year that was, the things that have happened and the circumstances that have lead me to where I am. So pondering upon that, and of course speaking to my parents, it was decided, Take a break Lisa! And that's exactly what I did. I put on my Dora shoes and headed over to the land of the free, home of the brave. (I think that's how the saying goes?! Forgive me if I'm wrong)

So there I was, Although still broken, I took a chance on a break I needed to discover the value of life and love and all things beautiful. I don't know if its just me, but the world is really a beautiful place when your opened to all its glory. On my trip I didn't know what to expect, but I did know 1 thing, I wanted to find joy and the things that made my heart smile. In life we come across many things that make us smile, but it is very rare we find things that make our HEARTS smile. And 1 thing that made my heart smile again, was the love of family.

The amount of love I received from family over there was the foundation that I needed to start rebuilding. It is funny because I was meeting these people for the very first time and yet the love I was feeling was beyond anything that I could have ever imagined. It was in those moments I realized that every bit of sad emotion that we feel..... passes! It reiterates the saying "Nothing lasts forever"  In my last blog I had posted that in order to heal, you need to go through the motion of it and feel it as it comes, because at the end of it all, it will surely pass and when it does, you will be a whole different person. And going away was part of the process that I needed to complete my phase.

It has now been a few months now since my world turned upside down, and now that I'm away from it all, I can now look back and see it for what it was. Toxic. Most times you don't realize how toxic and draining things can be until your away from it, until you step out of the circle and see it from the outside. Although some from the outside were telling me walk away a long time ago, I didn't. And that there was my own fault. And had I had listened to them and my doubts, I wouldn't be in the situation I am in now. I had fell away from myself so bad that trying to get her back would cost me alot... Emotionally. At one point it became crippling, in which it had me drowning myself in a pillow of tears and to this day it still happens (but not as often). Let me tell you this, it is hard trying to recover from anything emotionally crippling...

TO BE CONTINUED...

Another year older, hopefully wiser.

So I'm officially half way to 50 and quarter way to 100. Wow!! So hows that. You only get 1 out of 365/366 days to celebrate your exsistance, so why not make it great. Nothing special for this particular blog just words that have helped me get to where I am now. A lot has happened these past few weeks that really had me down but; "A flower that blooms from adversity, is the rarest and most beautiful of all" 

Life is quite the puzzle that would never get solved. But apparently that's the beauty of it. You don't know what's gonna come or go, but you have to cop it on the chin and be merry. And such is life.

"Maturity comes with experience, not age" When I talk to people on a serious note I hear "your pretty mature at your age" a lot. And it is because it is exactly that, with experience not age. So at 25 I have been through so much that I hope and pray no one else will have to go through ever. It was a road that shouldn't have been taken, but it was. And yet again, I had to cop it on the chin and be merry. But who is to blame but myself. "More people would learn from their mistakes if they weren't too busy denying them" so many things I thought I was being denied has actually turned into blessings in disguise. I wouldn't be where I am without them, nor would I have the strength that I have now without them.

"Don't skip your healing process, That is where you learn to truly love yourself. So many people are broken but chasing people, places and things assuming it will bless them in their brokenness- it won't. The worst year of your life can transform into the best year of your life. Just surrender to the process, throw every bit of vice away... When you're healed you are able to love with your whole heart. When 2 healed and whole people come together it will blow your mind! There is no other love like when 2 people can be completely open and vulnerable... That will be the best love you ever experienced. You cannot expect a broken person to love you the way you should be. Their heart isn't available. Love doesn't and shouldn't hurt. Broken people who don't have the ability to love do..." This quote cannot only be conveyed as a quote of love, but also life in general. I've had, what seemed to be worst years, turn into greatest years, because I have let myself healed from whatever wound that I suffered. "You cannot control the depth of a wound another soul inflicts upon you"

Out here in this big bad world, we will constantly be tested, physically and emotionally. It is up to us on how we take our tests. Whether we let it weigh us down, or we let it build us. Remember not everything that is bad, is bad, and not everything that is good, is good. Bad can sometimes turn good, and good can sometimes turn bad. It all depends on how you take it. And so I leave you with 1 last quote;

"Being defeated is often a temporary condition, giving up is what makes it permanent"

2014... Done and dusted

As the year comes to an end you see a lot of resolutions going up. People wanting this, people wanting that for the New Year. People making goals, challenges etc...
And its great that people are looking forward.


However, for me personally, before I move forward, I like to look back and reflect. I do this because good or bad, I would like to find a different way to better myself with what had happened throughout the year. Its always great to find different ways to improve yourself by looking back. But as long as you are only looking back and not dwelling too much on it.


So 2014... What a year. And that I say with great relief that its over. I've had a lot of hard years, but within those years all the hard bits were at the beginning and so the end will get better. But this.... was hard throughout the whole year. But all in all, I am grateful. Grateful because someone believed in me enough to risk it all and give me a chance. With that I will always be grateful to 1 person in particular. Who held it down for me right from the beginning. Always been there, always there to help and always there to tell you what you need to hear and not what you want to hear. And to her, I owe a lot. The first and hugest bit of gratitude goes to my beautiful cousin Tine. If it weren't for her belief in me and wanting me to do better, I would still probably be in Samoa sweating my ass off for nickels and dimes. This year I have learnt a lot from her. And my drive to do better and be better is fueled by her. I will always be in debted to her.

From there I am also grateful to my little sisters. Whilst 1 was on her mission and the other shared a room with me, we still never lost a strong hold bond that we have. I owe it to them for reminding me why I need to do the things I was doing for my parents. It's them I owe so much to for always being that shoulder I needed. This year alone, my baby sister did deal with a lot of my emtions. And I feel so stupid for breaking in front of her the many times that I did, but I'm glad she was still there for me regardless. Telling me that lying in bed balling my eyes out for days won't get me anywhere. Telling me that I don't need to pay hundreds of dollars to talk to therapist when I can just talk to her for free. Annnnddddd... as much as I hate to say it, she was right. My baby sister who has watched me make mistake after mistake for years and years always knew what to say. I love you Leilah, and always will. My other sister Bina, who spent this whole year serving the lord also helped me through my falls in 2014. Being so far away, I never missed a Monday to email her and she never missed a reply, she always knew what to say to, she out of all knew everything. Knew when and why I would cry, knew when I was tired of trying, knew when life was getting the best of me. She just knew, and she always knew what to say to make things ok. It's amazing how much this girl would know being so far away from me. 80% of her emails made me cry and made me better. Reminded me of who I am, and what I am doing.

Through all that has happened with the year that has pasted, some things still remained the same. Like the relationship I have with my parents. My achievement for this year for them was finishing off their house. And wow, when I had seen it I was beyond proud of myself. All the hard work, the hustling 2 jobs, eating noodles for days just to save for them. It was all worth it when I went back for a visit and hearing my dad tell me over and over again how grateful he and my mum were. Although it wasn't an actual house, but finishing off their bathroom, building a new kitchen and a water tank supply, now that felt hekka amazing to see what I had done and throughout all the bullshit I had put my parents through in my rebellious teen years, I felt that becoming a better person and doing this for them was not quite enough, but was also my way of getting back their trust that I had lost so many years ago.

2014 also brought unity between my siblings when a Brain Tumor was found in my eldest nephew. This was the news that hit me the hardest. But it was not going to defeat me. 3 months and 2 brain surgerys later, my nephew was Tumor free. And the new year ahead will be the year he makes a comeback to the wrestling mat he has been missing so much. And that is why I look forward to the year ahead. Because with family, when 1 succeeds, we all succeed.

 

So as the year 2015 is literally around the corner, I am ready to face the new challenges. I am ready to not make the same mistakes as I did in 2014. And I am ready to leave the problems of 2014 in 2014. 

Love me past my pain

23rd July 2014,
"Too often we get so caught up on what we want others to see that we almost always forget who we really are. From there, real emotions are suppressed, lies become your 'truth' and the person you have never wanted to become is already staring you in the mirror"

These pass few weeks have been hard. I spiraled out and something in me snap. I just didn't want to talk to anyone. This battle is hard. Its hard because its tiring. Its hard because it isolates you. The dark tunnel a lot of people talk about with no light, well that's how I have been feeling these past 2 weeks. And the worst thing about it is, no one can hear me and no one can help me but me.

Being trapped in your own mind is an indescribable feeling. You just don't know whats happening to you. Everything is all jumbled up, everything is everywhere, everything is a blur and nothing is ever certain. Quality of life minimizes and then blame is thrown around. "Why god? Why me? Are you punishing me?" "I have done my service unto others, I have shown love and compassion, I have honored my parents, gave you what you required of me, so Why me?" I cannot help but be angry that I am like this. Angry that I'm losing those close to me, but most of all angry because I am loosing myself. Before life got the best of me I was in amazement with the wonders and possibilities of life. Now... I'm just over it.

Ever since I have been diagnosed with Depression, I have tried keeping myself at bay, I thought I had my emotions in check. But my mistake was leaving it and putting it in the back of my mind, when instead I should have dealt with it then and there. Because now, its all a big mess in my head and I cannot even begin to comprehend what I am going through. Its like I cannot control myself anymore. 

So please, As I go through what I am going through, please do not condemn my actions, but instead- 

LOVE ME PAST MY PAIN

Robin Williams and Depression, from my perspective; on the inside

Today the world mourns a shock lost of greatly loved entertainer, Robin Williams. Such a sad way to end a miraculous career of joy, laughter and smiles. He indeed brought happiness in many homes around the world with his humorously changing personality.

But as we morn the lost, it is without a doubt that depression is a disease. Like cancer, you have depression that can be cured, or in Robin Williams and so many other cases, depression that cannot be cured. Depression starts off small, and slowly spreads, like cancer. If detected early, it can be cured, if it's too late, you will know.

Every battle with depression is different. I know the battle I have in front of me is different to those battling around me.

Yes! that is correct. I. have. depression. Not something I am proud of, but sharing my side in case someone feels or knows someone the same. I was diagnosed a couple months ago and I have kept it secret til now. If my family reads this, I'm sorry this is how you have found out about me. And to my close friends, I'm also sorry. But I am getting the right treatment needed. I will be OK. soon...

My thoughts on depression from the outside looking in, was 'Suck it up and get over it.' My thoughts now from the inside-out 'HELP!' but very very discretely.

I am of Samoan decent, grew up in the Latter Day Saints church, a member of a well known sporting family. So how? How could it be me?

Having been brought up in the Samoan culture, the way it's been is, look good always because everyone is looking and everyone is going to judge you, Mum and Dad. Being Latter Day Saint, the answer to all questions were, read your scriptures, praying and fast. Please be mindful when you read this, I am not condemning my culture or my religion. But these 2 factors have isolated me for a long time as to getting help. I didn't want anyone to know because I didn't want to look weird, I didn't want people to think I'm crazy, or just seeking attention. And because I'm LDS, I knew that the answer people would give me was, 'Pray about it.' And that's not what you want to hear when your genuinely trying to get help.

Everyday is fake, as much as I would love to hide from the world, I have to face it, because bills need to be paid, food need to be on the table, and facing the world is what draws me into myself more and more. Everyday you would think I'm fine, and you wouldn't believe what I'm going through. But Depression is a mental illness, and its the state of mind. If you have the ability to control your mind, I commend you on conquering that skill. But me, on the other hand, hasn't quite conquered it yet, so smiling is all I can do, until I'm alone... with my thoughts.... and that's when it starts...
My good days are fine, normal, nothing spectacular, just normal.
My bad days hurt. And its the kind of hurt that you can't control. Its like being in a small box, with no light and no air. Screaming for someone to come help you, but no one can hear. Trying to break out and feeling hopeless, then eventually 'those thoughts' come into play. Those thoughts of "Why bother?" "Why am I still even here" "I'm doing everything right, why is this still happening?"

Now I'm not gonna lie and say that I have not thought about suicide, because I have, like every other sufferer. From the outside looking in, you would think its a cowards way to go, the easiest decision to make because its the easy way out. But let me tell you this, from the inside, it is nothing like that. Suicide takes a lot of courage, they are far from cowards. Days and moments leading up to it, you feel hopeless, and your will to fight and survive has deteriorated. All you want to do is lay down and never wake up... EVER! Your tired of trying to prove yourself. Overall, YOUR JUST TIRED!! Physically and emotionally tired. You don't want anything to do with anyone. Its really hard to try and justify what goes on inside the mind at the time, and it is really hard to explain. Its a trap, where you can't do or say anything because you don't want people to know, or you don't want people to think ill of you. You just want to be normal, happy like everyone else.

The reason it took me a while to comprehend that maybe I do is because I didn't want to believe that there was something wrong with me. I didn't want to look like I'm crazy, nor did I want to look weak and vulnerable. I was so stubborn to it that I just wouldn't accept I had a problem. A real problem. So I sort out on the right track of trying to get better and conquer my thoughts.

So to those that are reading this please remember this quote "Be kind to one another, because you don't know what battles people are facing." 
And to my fellow suffers;

  KEEP FIGHTING!!

A Secret Heartache

Ever looked forward to something you had always been dreaming of, or something that you had been longing for, or just simply something you wanted so much that you would do whatever you could to get it, you were changing your life, changing everything around you....

For those who have kept up with my old blog, (as this is my new 1, was having password issues with my last 1) You would've have seen my excitement in my last entry, of being Engaged. Yes! I was Engaged (to be married) October 2015. Well that was 1 heck of a roller coaster ride. Trying to plan a wedding in another country as well as trying to maintain a healthy long distance relationship. For those new to my blog, let me just give you a quick run down.

I moved to Samoa in 2012, later that year I fell, Like every girl, falling was easy. This time I wanted to take it slow, friendship that would eventually ease into a relationship. And it was like that. But like in every relationship, the beginning stages is always the best. And that's what it is exactly. They try so hard to get you, and then once they have you, it has to be a special occasion for something nice to happen, because words become just words, and promises become myths. Anyway got engaged, and I moved back to Australia this year (2014) to save funds for the wedding and also help my parents out financially.

Anyway MAY 2014, I called off the engagement. Days leading up to calling it off, I was talking to close friends about it. I wont go into detail on why, but those close to me know why. Those days leading to calling it off, my intuition told me that it had to be done. Things starting falling into place for it to fall apart. I didnt really take advice from those I discussed it with because it wasn't what I wanted to hear. The day before the 'big call off' I knew deep within myself that it had to be done, it tugged at me that whole day. And it had hit me 'Lisa, you know it has to be done, no more fighting yourself' And from there I had broken. I finished work, picked up my cousin from work, dropped her home, Put on my break up jam, drove out to Simpsons Gap and balled my eyes out for a good hour and a half. I'm the type of person that hides emotions, so crying out by myself was very therapeutic that day. Everything had come out, how much I hated myself, how much I hated the world, how much I hated everything.
I had been planning this for months, from getting quotes from venues, to suffering to save for things, organizing save the dates, invitations, guests, outfits, themes, music. Everything!! I had it all sussed out! If I had the funds I would've been married before the year had ended with all the amount of planning I had done. Every girl always dreams about her wedding, and I was like every other girl. The planning, the stressing, the wedding diet, the wedding budget. I was on top of my game, but weddings are a 2 way street, whilst I was doing all that was required of a bride to be, my groom to be was in a different world as I.
They say when you really want something, you would do whatever needed to make it happen. I was doing this, unfortunately 2nd party wasn't so keen.
The next day I told myself, if he says no and fights for it, then he is more committed that I thought... It wasn't so.

3 months later, the wounds are still fresh, but life goes on. We live and learn.